Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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