good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
