I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
