You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
