Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
