Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
