letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
