Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
