other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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