My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
