walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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