I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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