No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
