I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
