woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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