i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
