Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
