his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
