Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
