she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
