my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
