I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
