so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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