why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
