Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
