this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
