I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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