I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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