I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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