he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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