I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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