I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
