So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
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