how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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