Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
