last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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