I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
