mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
