bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
