hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
