Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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