I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
