I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
