Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
