why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
