Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
