oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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