OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
