I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
