note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
