She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
