My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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