You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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