Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
