Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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