Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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