Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
