Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
